As some of you may know, or may not know, I have social anxiety. I have been self diagnosed since I was 13 years old.
Honestly it has gotten better, because two years ago today, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. I wouldn’t be participating to read in a room of 24 people, I wouldn’t be playing pool on my break, I wouldn’t be working at all!
I’m really proud of myself for progressing. However, today, I had an…episode I guess . When I first started this department two weeks again I made a friend, we would always sit together during our breaks.
Well today, a guy joined us on one of our breaks, It was going okay, I had my phone on me to keep from fidgeting. It was great until another guy joined us and tried to share a seat with me. I held my breath, that’s one thing I noticed about myself. When people get too close to me I hold my breath immediately, I have no idea why.
Like I was saying, I held my breath, phone still on me, while they’re talking I’m just thinking….
“Too much people, too much people, too much people!”
I try to ignore the voices, because I didn’t want to keep isolating myself, I want to be able to hang out with people. I’m tired of being alone and seeing people laugh and just have fun. Why must I suffer because the voices in my head is telling me to suffer.
Then the attention was brought to me, I almost cried right there and then. I was trying so hard not to tremble or fidget. I tried going along with it, then the guy gets closer, I get up found another chair and just moved it back to the table we were all at. See I could’ve easily left, but I tried to hang.
Then the jokes kept coming, simple jokes, it’s not like jokes hurt my feelings or anything. It’s just the fact that all three of them were looking at me.
Yes all three.
I was about to isolate myself, but it was already time to go back to work. As I’m sitting, the voices are at it again, just saying things, my mind repeating the whole situation over and over and over again.
Not even two minutes back into work I leave and walked to the bathroom just to get some space. I took a couple of deep breaths and just told myself…
“They don’t think you’re weird, you’ll be fine, you’ll be FINE.”
I walk back to work and it the little pep talk didn’t work. I’m now stressing and my coworker/friend is starting to notice. She knows I’m shy and have anxiety, so I just said I’ll tell her after work.
By the time it was our next break, I didn’t even stop at my locker, I didn’t even wait for my friend, I walked straight outside and started crying.
I honestly hate how awkward I am around people. I wish I can talk to a group of people the way I talk to one person. Why must it be so hard for me, but easy for others. I didn’t ask to have these voices in my head.
I didn’t realize I sat outside by myself for more than 10 minutes.
Going back into the building the guy calls me and ask what was up, I couldn’t even talk bro… I said I was fine stood there for a second then walked away.
Situations like these, I pray people don’t think I dislike them. I literally like everyone. I just don’t want to break down in front of them.
I was like this for the rest of the night. And once I got home, I hugged my babysitter tight. Since she came into this world, she’s been like a….tranquilizer for me. She can calm me down with just the warmth radiating from her body or even her voice. It soothes me.
I know she doesn’t judge me, I know she accepts me for me.
I’m still going through it and I don’t know for how long, but I know it will go away soon…I hope it does. The thoughts going on in my head right now, is no good and I wish they would stop.